I have to be honest with you. I worry about my child. There is this little nagging voice in my head that rears itself every once in a while…and it happened again today. I was at story time today at the library. It wasn’t going too well for O. He didn’t want to sit and listen. The craft was WAY beyond him (He’d rather eat the glue stick) and he was yawning before we even got there. I should have known it wasn’t going to go smoothly. Sure enough, it proved to be a difficult outing. I know there are days like this. But some days his lack of engagement and conformity fill me with worry.
I wonder how much is his personality. Everything since his birth, has been on his time and his terms. Heck, he didn’t come out on his own. We had to go in there and get him! Every milestone so far has been accomplished when HE was good and ready. OR… is there perhaps some sort of problem or delay? At this age (20 months) it can be very confusing. I only notice things when he is around other children. Because normally, I have nothing to compare him to. And I know, I know, we aren’t supposed to compare our children. But it just happens. You see other kids who are around the same age and you are wondering why do they sit still and listen to the story? Why do they follow directions? Why won’t my child? There are days when he does….but they are few. I always feel like socializing is one step forward and two steps back, with my O. He is also VERY attached to Mommy. Which makes socialization that much harder. He will engage with me happily, but he has very little interest in new people….even other children. Maybe I’m doing it all wrong?
I am trying to assess where my worry regarding O is coming from. Is it the winter doldrums? Is it us being cooped up in the house these past weeks due to sickness? Is there any merit to my worry? Does every mom worry? Do moms of advanced maternal age worry more? And am I worried more because he is my only child? Already pangs of guilt are entering my mind because he doesn’t have a sibling. Not for lack of trying to give him one. But, thus far, it doesn’t seem to be in the cards. I can see the links on this worry chain will continue to accumulate if I don’t get it in check.
I was telling my husband the other night, that being at home with O is by far, the hardest job I have ever had….and the most important. I just don’t want to screw it up. And yet, everyday, I feel that somehow I am letting this child down. You know my tagline. “Behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up.” It’s soooo true. And some weeks, it’s truer than others. And it’s so hard not to be hard on myself. I feel like it’s all on me sometimes. What if I miss something? What if he is having a delay and I don’t get him the help he needs? It’s my fault. Maybe I baby him too much? Well, I know that’s true.
You know, I really feel that I owe O everything. In some Miracle of Life creation, this glorious soul picked us to be his parents! The joy and meaning he brings to both my husband and I is beyond anything, I think, either of us could have ever imagined. It’s powerful and its profound. It is heaven made. But.. we also have to live day to day on the earth, with our feet on the ground, taking each step, one foot in front of the other. I think I just solved my own problem. It is so so easy to let the magnitude of this job, that has been entrusted to us, take over. It is, at times, overwhelming. But our child is who he is. It is already determined. Will it all reveal itself in time? Yes. Will we deal with each hurdle and each triumph, as they come…one day at a time? Of course, because that’s what we as parents do. The worry is futile. It is wasted energy.
I thank you from the bottom of my humble and sometimes worrisome heart. Confiding in you has let me find my way off the latest parental ledge. It’s not easy stuff. Sometimes having someone to bounce things off of, be it a real person or a cyber friend, makes all the difference. Knowing we aren’t alone is everything.
Until next time, thanks for reading, and remember (it’s the TRUTH) behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up. Xo