This Mommy business is a lonely one. While I am basking in the joy of it all, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I feel lonely quite a bit of the time. I have a hunch that I’m not the only mommy out there who feels this way, at times. Let’s face it, my constant companion is a two year old who doesn’t speak in full sentences yet and who has mood swings that rival the best of schizophrenics . I keep hearing that motherhood is so rewarding. But I am guessing the big reward is a type of delayed gratification. Like after all this hard work, one day I’ll look up at my son while he accepts the Nobel Peace prize and know it was all worth it. Right? But for now, staying home raising a child, while full of great moments, can be exhausting, and most definitely, lonely.
I find myself alone in my thoughts for a great part of the day. For me, that isn’t always good. I tend to over think things. It makes my husband crazy. Sorry, lover. But, it is hard to avoid. I often find, if something is important to me, it is hard to just let it go. I take far too much to heart and listen to far too much CNN radio. The icing on that cake of disaster, is that I am incredibly sensitive with a two year old for company.
I find most other moms out and around where we live, pretty much keep to themselves. At the play area in the mall the other day, I sat across from another mother. I could tell her son was at least a year or more older than O. She looked stylish, involved, (but not hovering), and a bit older (like me). I thought to myself, I wonder if I could be friends with her? The children played and we knowingly nodded to each other here and there. At one point I commented on how I loved her son’s hair. A head full of curls. He was a gorgeous child. She politely said “thanks.” But that was the extent of our interaction. We each moved onto our own day each with our own child in tow. It’s weird. Yet, I suppose it would be weirder to approach someone you don’t even know, in a mall, and say, “let’s be friends!” Yeah, that is most definitely weirder.
The truth is, I guess I am a bit of a loner. It isn’t necessarily always by choice. It reminds me of high school at times….when you walked into the cafeteria and didn’t see your friends. You would feel awkward or uncomfortable until you spotted your group. You might give off an I don’t care air, just to self preserve. Maybe I give off a stand-offish vibe off to other moms? Ironic, the self admitted loner saying she gets lonely. Ha. But it’s true. It is absurd that I worry that O doesn’t like big groups. Neither does Mommy (or Daddy for that matter!) I swear, does our child stand a chance?
I look up at the skylight in our family room. It is covered with frost on this frigid November morning. Winter is fast approaching. It’s gonna be a long lonely one unless I jump out of my comfort zone. I need to commit to putting aside my mild discomfort with new people. I need to venture into the unknown of new friendships. I suppose I find that most of the moms I encounter are much younger than me. But, in truth, age has little to do with commonalities shared among moms. I’m looking for excuses to stay stuck.
No, it is time to put on my big girl layers of cuddle duds and flannel. I have had wonderful friendships in my life, that still exist, though almost all are now at a long distance. It’s time for some more day to day friends. My life is here in New England now where the winters are cold and often long. What I know of friendship is that it is necessary and most definitely warms your heart.
Until next time, keep fighting the good fight, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up. Yup. Pretty much every day. xo