Worried Mommy


I have to be honest with you.  I worry about my child.  There is this little nagging voice in my head that rears itself every once in a while…and it happened again today.  I was at story time today at the library.  It wasn’t going too well for O.  He didn’t want to sit and listen.  The craft was WAY beyond him (He’d rather eat the glue stick) and he was yawning before we even got there.  I should have known it wasn’t going to go smoothly.   Sure enough, it proved to be a difficult outing.  I know there are days like this.  But some days his lack of engagement and conformity fill me with worry.

I wonder how much is his personality.  Everything since his birth, has been on his time and his terms.    Heck, he didn’t come out on his own.  We had to go in there and get him!  Every milestone so far has been accomplished when HE was good and ready.  OR… is there perhaps some sort of problem or delay? At this age (20 months) it can be very confusing.  I only notice things when he is around other children.  Because normally, I have nothing to compare him to.  And I know, I know, we aren’t supposed to compare our children.  But it just happens.  You see other kids who are around the same age and you are wondering why do they sit still and listen to the story?  Why do they follow directions?  Why won’t my child?  There are days when he does….but they are few.  I always feel like socializing is one step forward and two steps back, with my O.  He is also VERY attached to Mommy.  Which makes socialization that much harder.  He will engage with me happily, but he has very little interest in new people….even other children.  Maybe I’m doing it all wrong?

I am trying to assess where my worry regarding O is coming from.  Is it the winter doldrums? Is it us being cooped up in the house these past weeks due to sickness?  Is there any merit to my worry?  Does every mom worry? Do moms of advanced maternal age worry more?  And am I worried more because he is my only child?  Already pangs of guilt are entering my mind because he doesn’t have a sibling.  Not for lack of trying to give him one.  But, thus far, it doesn’t seem to be in the cards.  I can see the links on this worry chain will continue to accumulate if I don’t get it in check.

I was telling my husband the other night, that being at home with O is by far, the hardest job I have ever had….and the most important.  I just don’t want to screw it up.  And yet, everyday, I feel that somehow I am letting this child down.  You know my tagline.  “Behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up.”  It’s soooo true.  And some weeks, it’s truer than others.  And it’s so hard not to be hard on myself.  I feel like it’s all on me sometimes.  What if I miss something? What if he is having a delay and I don’t get him the help he needs?  It’s my fault.  Maybe I baby him too much? Well, I know that’s true.

You know, I really feel that I owe O everything.  In some Miracle of Life creation, this glorious soul picked us to be his parents! The joy and meaning he brings to both my husband and I is beyond anything, I think, either of us could have ever imagined.  It’s powerful and its profound.  It is heaven made.  But.. we also have to live day to day on the earth, with our feet on the ground, taking each step, one foot in front of the other.  I think I just solved my own problem.  It is so so easy to let the magnitude of this job, that has been entrusted to us, take over.  It is, at times, overwhelming.  But our child is who he is. It is already determined.  Will it all reveal itself in time? Yes.  Will we deal with each hurdle and each triumph, as they come…one day at a time?  Of course, because that’s what we as parents do.  The worry is futile.  It is wasted energy.

I thank you from the bottom of my humble and sometimes worrisome heart.  Confiding in you has let me find my way off the latest parental ledge.  It’s not easy stuff.  Sometimes having someone to bounce things off of, be it a real person or a cyber friend, makes all the difference.  Knowing we aren’t alone is everything.

Until next time, thanks for reading, and remember (it’s the TRUTH) behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up.  Xo


Out Sick


I’m writing this week’s post from my bed.  I’m SICK.  All Caps! My amazing husband is holding the fort down with our little O, who is also sick.  Occupational hazard of a SAHM..we tend to get sick when our little ones are.  This virus has knocked me down for the count,  though.  Yes, I went to the Dr….or should I say “Urgent Care,” where I was seen by a P.A.  Who told me essentially, I wasn’t sick enough yet to prescribe anything for me.  That I should ride it out and see if my body could fight it on its own.  That’s fair enough, but with my history of upper respitory infections, I don’t share that hope.  So, I didn’t actually go to my Dr. per say.  Silly me wasted my time seeing a physician’s assistant with a point to make, who didn’t believe I know my body well enough to know when I’m faced with more than a chest cold.  Two days later I find myself wheezing, coughing up my lungs and praying this bout doesn’t turn into pneumonia.  I’m prone to pneumonia.  I told her that.  Good times.

Several nights ago O had such a high fever we wound up at the emergency room.  It was scary high.  After calling the Ped on call (because it was a weekend AND a holiday) we were directed to go straight to the ER.  So, of course, a P.A. sees him.  O has a bit of “white coat syndrome,” after remembering the shots he got on a recent visit.  He freaks out whenever he starts getting prodded and poked.  Which at this hospital seemed to happen repeatedly.  First by triage, then by the first P.A.  By the time the second P.A. checked his ears he had been crying for over 30 minutes.  She thought the ears looked a little red, so she said he would be treated for an ear infection.  But he had no other signs of an ear infection beyond the fever.  No tugging on his ear, no sensitivity when I touched them….I wasn’t convinced.  I asked her if his ears could be red because he had been so upset.  Well, yes, she said.  But they prescribed a 10 day antibiotic for him, regardless.  10 days of antibiotics seemed a bit heavy for a baby who may not have actually had an ear infection.  So, if we gave him the antibiotic and he didn’t have an ear infection, he would be ingesting medicine he really didn’t need, lessening the effectiveness of it when he really DID need it.  Follow my logic?  Considering the cough he has now, it was not an ear infection, but a chest cold….that he seems to be fighting better than mommy.  I am confidemt he’ll recover because he finally saw his pediatrician, who we know and love.  It made me wonder what the point of going to the ER was? It mostly just upset the baby…and they were basically grasping at straws to decipher what was ailing O.  I suppose it made Mommy and Daddy feel like we were being proactive? It alleviated the feeling of helplessness that takes you over when you are a parent and your child is burning up with fever.

I know, I know, antibiotics are the essential devil.  We over use them.  And that overuse is causing certain virus’ to become unpenetratable.  But sometimes you just know when you need them.  And sometimes they don’t make sense.  What ever happened to the patient being equally responsible for their diagnosis?  I guess this doctor patient trust thing is a two way street. I think I’m done with ER’s and Urgent Care places for awhile.  I’m on a rant, cause I’m mad that I am sick.  I’m upset that Oliver is sick.  I’m annoyed at the lack of quality urgent healthcare there is in our area even with great health insurance.  It’s defeating.  And depressing.

I feel like the healthcare situation is only going to get worse before it gets better in this country.  Too many people have made too much money gouging the American people with their high premiums and out of sight drug expenses.  Those people aren’t going to let the healthcare cash cow go too easily.  Doctors are complaining about all the new paperwork getting in the way of patient care.  (Not sure why you can’t do both?). But the big question is, what does that mean for all of us? Damned if I know.  I’m just an achy delirious Mom today who just needs to feel better. Pronto.

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight, use your Purell, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up.  Xo


Here It Comes


Well, there is snow on the skylight.  I’m under a faux fur blanket and my luxurious long underwear are certainly getting some “wear time.”  I’ve been avoiding writing this post, like I do many…but this one in particular seems to be my hardest thus far.  You see, I’d like to lie to you.  I’d like to fill the screen with fibs and fantasy. But that wasn’t our agreement.  No.  I promised to honestly examine what it is like to be a new mother of advanced maternal age.  So here it goes….or should I say, here it comes?

No one really wants to talk about it.  Certainly not me.  How I have escaped it up til now, I don’t know. Some women deal with it much earlier, so I’m thankful at least for that.  Oh, God, Mary, just say it!  Ok! Ok! Perimenopause.  There I’ve said it.  In simpler terms it means the beginning of “the change.” Right now all it means to me is night sweats at certain times of the month.  Icky, cruddy, soaking pajama top night sweats.  Night sweats suck.  Just getting that out there.  But for some it can include many more symptoms like daily hot flashes, loss of sex drive, pain during intercourse…among other fun things.  Ugh.  Good times, eh?

I am actually having a difficult time accepting this upcoming change in my body.  I don’t like it.  My doctor says I can still get pregnant, so that isn’t what is bothering me.  It’s just the fact that finally my body is telling me that I am getting older.  I always felt like I could defy it, at least within reason.  But this onset can’t be avoided with clean eating, more crunches at the gym, or more miles logged on the treadmill.  It can’t be hidden by creams, serums, or Botox.  It’s the real deal.  It’s the beginning of a bridge taking you to the next phase of your life.  As much as I talk about wanting to age gracefully, I feel like I’m on the one side of that bridge….resisting going forward….but the bridge is actually a moving walkway…it doesn’t stop because I wish it so.  It is just like Time always proves to be…relentless.  There is no spanner to throw in this wheel to stop it spinning.  It is all how nature intended.  I just thought Mother Nature and I had a special understanding. Ha.

Yesterday at story time at our local library I looked around at the other adults in the room.  It was either young moms or youngish grandmothers.  It occurred to me that I fall somewhere in between these groups of women.  I made  friends with some of the moms, and realized that, although we can relate through our children, I can’t actually relate to them on a personal level.  Not really.   And the same goes for the older women there.  I find myself on my own plane.  Running after my toddler waiting for a hot flash to zap me.  It’s bizzaro world.  Does that make any sense?

I know, I know. I’m ungrateful. I’m superficial. I’m whining about something that happens to every woman, eventually. How dare I be annoyed at Mother Nature when she has really been so good to me. I should be so thankful that I am healthy. That I rocked a bikini up until I had O at 44! That I have escaped so many things that can afflict us. And mostly, I should be grateful that the powers of life, let me conceive and give birth to a beautiful healthy son. And I am!! So very grateful. I’m just whining…and maybe feeling some of those mood swings that can also hit you during this time.  Most of all, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Like my wise Mother-in law tells me, time and time again…this too shall pass.

Until next time, I’ll keep battling through my own personal Bikram Bedtime.  Keep fighting the good fight, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up.  Thanks for reading.  Xo.

Baby It’s Cold Outside


Winter has arrived.  At least in New England it has.  My days of escaping the frigidity by spending winters in the Caribbean or Florida are over.  At least for now.  And I’m ok with that.  My husband has armed me with sets of cuddlduds (fancy long underwear), fuzzy slippers, cute winter hats, and high strength moisturizing balms.  I’m all set.

I packed the Christmas decorations away yesterday (yeah, I keep them up for a while. I’m like that).  I am seeking out indoor activities for little O, as well as suiting him up in some super warm winter wear so we can be outside for as long as possible.  We found an amazing gymnastics school that does an open gym session for an hour on Wednesday mornings.  What a wonderful thing! If you are looking for something for your toddler to do to burn some of that crazy energy….check in your area.  I bet there is something like it near you. Even a local YMCA may have a similar program.

My point is, I’m thinking that hibernating for the winter with a toddler may be a whole different animal than adult hibernation.  Let’s face it, I was never very good at the adult version.  My strategy was to run to a warmer climate.  But now, I’m actually looking forward to the snow! Boy, how motherhood changes you!  I truly can’t wait to see O’s excitement for the snow.   I can’t wait to pull him up and down the driveway in a little sled and to watch him play in the white powder.  I know, I’m romanticing the whole scenario.  There will also be wet cold hands, crying, and 6 am snow clearing.  I’m aware.  Yet, I still look forward.  It’s like giving birth has released a euphoric hormone into my brain….and despite the harsh cold realities of the winter freeze, I am still excited and, dare I say, giddy about winter.  Anyone who knows me is wondering what the zombies did with me.  I’m telling you, to coin a lyric from the musical Wicked, “I have been changed for good.”

I am sure I am like a broken record about Gratitude.  It’s very “Oprah-esque,” I know.  It has truly become habit for me.  There was a time when I had to work hard at being grateful. It was a challenge to wrap my head around finding the positives.  Yet, in hind sight, they were all around me.  It’s not just since the birth of O that there is wonder surrounding me.  My life has been blessed from the start.  I just didn’t always see it.  Part of it is my maturing emotionally.  Part of it is my whole heartedly believing in the practice of gratitude.  The rest is part of my brain coming to life.  That’s actually a real thing in regards to motherhood. Check it out.

The more positive I become, the less room I have for negatives.  My mind literally switches them off.  It’s not automatic yet for me.  I have to make the choice to stop listening.  I want to live in Happiness.  I want more Joy.  I want Calm and Peace wrapping around me like a cozy blanket.  I’m sure I seem very Polyanna to a naysayer.  So be it.  I didn’t understand the super power of gratitude, either.  What’s the saying? The secret to having it all…. is believing that you do.  Perspective is everything!

So let the Winter have its due.  Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Let the weather be frightful.  My heart is warm and bursting.  Just at this moment I am snuggling up to a hot cup of apple cinnamon tea and polishing up my rose colored glasses.  Winters up here can last through March!

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight, keep warm, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up! Thanks for reading! Xo


Happy New Year Mommy


As the end of each year inches closer and closer, we often read reviews of the events of the past 365 days.  Highlights, downers, newsmakers, etc.  This morning I was reading the Skimm’s year in review.  I enjoy the Skimm.  If you aren’t familiar, take a peek.  These two women have really made taking in the world news more of a pleasure for this mommy.  Cause let’s face it, the nightly news is depressing to say the least, and who has time for that level of negativity? Not this chicka.

As 2015 comes to a close, what was your year in review? Have you thought about it? Have you taken stock? It’s funny, because there have certainly been negatives and hardships along the path.  But the only things that truly resonate within me are all the joys.  It has been a year of absolute wonder.  And I have my beautiful son and my steady husband to thank for that.

I have to wonder if it is because I am older, that I am truly able to appreciate this time in my life.  I know this is a common theme of mine.  But the question seems to always come up in me.  Is my happiness attributed to the birth of my son? Does it have to do with where I am in my life and what I finally believe I deserve? Perhaps it is a combination of things.  Certainly, above all else, it has to do with gratitude.  I am abundantly thankful, and, in turn, I am abundantly happy.  I am  absolutely certain there is a direct correlation between happiness and gratitude.

So as 2016 begins, I am going to keep accentuating the positive.  All the world’s problems will still be there.  We will no doubt be kicked in the gut again with some senseless shooting somewhere in our country’s backyard.  We will have a year of crazy political rallies and far too much media coverage of a certain bigoted candidate with a shameful comb-over and even more shameful rhetoric.  The world will continue to fear and fight terrorism and the climate will continue to change.  What can we actually control? What can our tangible contribution be (beyond getting out and VOTING)?  We can choose to be happy.  We can pass that gift on to our children.  We can show them by example of how to live in gratitude and positivity.  That’s my resolution.  And I think it’s the only way to defend our souls from the year….hell, from the decades ahead.  So happy new year, Mommy.  HAPPY new year!

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight and remember, behind every great kid is a mother who is pretty sure she is messing it up.  Xo