Month: November 2016

Wanted Rose Colored Glasses

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I have always loved the holidays.  I am the type of girl who starts listening to Christmas music right after Halloween.  I love decorating, baking cookies, wrapping gifts and making all sorts of homemade delights.  This year, though, I am slow to start.  I am finding it hard to get in the spirit.   Real life seems harsher this year for many reasons. The woman who taught me about Christmas, my Mother, is sick.  She is in a rehabilitation facility in need of 24/7 assistance.   Wrapping my head around this painfully slow loss would be enough.  But let’s add the notion of spouting “Peace on Earth” and “Love and Joy” feeling somewhat fake this year, knowing that racism and hate is very much alive and evidently empowered in our beloved country.   This post-truth era bullshit we are experiencing makes all the songs and tidings of goodwill seem phony.  So phony it’s sad.  Even the Carpenter’s Christmas Album feels weird this year.

There is an anger and sadness inside of me I don’t quite know what to do with.  I feel incredible loss.  I  feel this odd, out of body loss one experiences as an aging parent slowly slips away.   It is the strangest feeling to miss your mother while she is right in front of you.  It’s excruciating, really.  I also feel the loss of the sense of good I thought the world inherently possessed.  It’s as if I have woken up in an alternate universe.  And now it’s time to play Christmas carols and get on with things….and it just feels false.  I don’t want to sing the Hallelujah Chorus while white supremists are appointed to top White House positions.  I want to scream, “Stop!”

I’m sorry for my rant of negativity.  I’m sorry I’m political.  I’m sorry that I give a shit.   I have been trying so hard to find the positives.  I am desperate to find them.  I need to find them, if not for my own good, for the good of my family, who needs me to see the good.  It is my thing to see the good.  There is a pair of rose colored glasses in our home with my name all over them.  They are just broken in about five different places right now.  There is no doubt, my role in the play “Our Life,” is that of Pollyanna.  I’m failing miserably.

One of my biggest fears is that I will not be able to sweep this state of mind away with peppermint lattes and wishes for Santa.  My mother is wrapped in almost every memory I have of Christmas.  Her exquisite detail of preserving the magic of Santa for all of us…the way she made each of us feel special..the time she took enjoying the season herself.  I remember coming home from school close to Christmas Day, walking into the house filled with the aroma of holiday baking and the sounds of Johnny Mathis on the record player.   I remember waking up each Christmas morning and it was as if elves had sprinkled christmas magic all over the house.  She was gifted in magic.

I know I should celebrate those memories.  And I suppose I will.  It’s just right now there is a sadness attached to the sweetness.  Like the last bite of the most delicious cake that can never be baked again.  I guess I just need more time.  Until next time, keep fighting the good fight and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she screwing it up.  Thanks for reading.  Xo

 

Mommy Is Sorry

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I’m sickened. Bereft. Disappointed. Angry at the outcome. My mind is swimming with retorts and outright scary scenarios of what is to come. I want to tell my child that I am sorry. I tried, in my little way, to make the world better.  I voted.  I donated.  I wrote and talked about it to anyone who’d listen….but it was not enough.  I feel we have failed.  Racism is real and alive in our country. Sexism is solid. Equality is being despicably threatened and ignorance and bullying are being celebrated. What do you say to your child?

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. The sadness about where we are, as a people, has knocked me over. Do we tell our children that love doesn’t win? Do we tell them the way to win is to bully and lie your way across the finish line? This is not the world I wanted for my son. My solace right now is that, at 2 years old, he is blissfully unaware of this hate that has been so emboldened.

I cannot listen to social media or news shows…my god, I don’t even want to look at a newspaper. I need a break from the circus. The irresponsible coverage of this event has helped it’s outcome. I want to take my family and hide away somewhere in our little cocoon. I want to wake up and believe it is all a bad dream. I need to step away and make a certain peace with this so that it doesn’t continue to take over my life. So that I can continue to parent and raise our child with compassion and knowledge, instead of the hate and ignorance that surrounds us.

Is the outcome of this political election really having such a profound affect on my being?  I have some other serious stuff happening in my life, so maybe that is why I am feeling so gutted? Or is it that I’ve realized, literally overnight, that kindness and love is in the minority, and the ugliness of what humans can be is gaining momentum.  I’ve always been a person who tries to see the good. I always find a way to be happy. I figure it out. Maybe I just need some time. But faith in my fellow country men and women has been knocked out of me. I feel like a lost child who doesn’t recognize her surroundings and can’t find her mother. I will not choose hate. I’m not made that way. But my silver lining is obstructed right now. I’ll have to let you know when I find it. Until then…I’m sorry O. You deserve so much better from the world we brought you into. Mommy is so so sorry.

Until next time, be brave. Give kindness generously. And love like our lives depend on it. I wish more of us understood that they do.

Lonely Mommy Long Winter

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This Mommy business is a lonely one.  While I am basking in the joy of it all, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I feel lonely quite a bit of the time.  I have a hunch that I’m not the only mommy out there who feels this way, at times.  Let’s face it, my constant companion is a two year old who doesn’t speak in full sentences yet and who has mood swings that rival the best of schizophrenics . I keep hearing that motherhood is so rewarding.  But I am guessing the big reward is a type of delayed gratification.   Like after all this hard work, one day I’ll look up at my son while he accepts the Nobel Peace prize and know it was all worth it.  Right?  But for now, staying home raising a child, while full of great moments, can be exhausting, and most definitely, lonely.

I find myself alone in my thoughts for a great part of the day.  For me, that isn’t always good.  I tend to over think things.  It makes my husband crazy.  Sorry, lover.  But, it is hard to avoid.  I often find, if something is important to me, it is hard to just let it go.  I take far too much to heart and listen to far too much CNN radio.   The icing on that cake of disaster, is that I am incredibly sensitive with a two year old for company.

I find most other moms out and around where we live, pretty much keep to themselves.  At the play area in the mall the other day, I sat across from another mother.  I could tell her son was at least a year or more older than O.  She looked stylish, involved, (but not hovering), and a bit older (like me).  I thought to myself, I wonder if I could be friends with her?  The children played and we knowingly nodded to each other here and there.  At one point I commented on how I loved her son’s hair.  A head full of curls.  He was a gorgeous child.  She politely said “thanks.”  But that was the extent of our interaction.  We each moved onto our own day  each with our own child in tow.  It’s weird.  Yet, I suppose it would be weirder to approach someone you don’t  even know, in a mall,  and say, “let’s be friends!”  Yeah, that is most definitely weirder.

The truth is, I guess I am a bit of a loner.  It isn’t necessarily always by choice.  It reminds me of high school at times….when you walked into the cafeteria and didn’t see your friends.  You would feel awkward or uncomfortable until you spotted your group.  You might give off an I don’t care air,  just to self preserve.  Maybe I give off a stand-offish  vibe off to other moms?   Ironic, the self admitted loner saying she gets lonely.  Ha.  But it’s true.  It is absurd that I worry that O doesn’t like big groups.  Neither does Mommy (or Daddy for that matter!) I swear, does our child stand a chance?

I look up at the skylight in our family room.  It is covered with frost on this frigid November morning.  Winter is fast approaching.  It’s gonna be a long lonely one unless I jump out of my comfort zone.  I need to commit to putting aside my mild discomfort with new people.  I need to venture into the unknown of new friendships.  I suppose I find that most of the moms I encounter are much younger than me.  But, in truth,  age has little to do with commonalities shared among moms.  I’m looking for excuses to stay stuck.

No, it is time to put on my big girl layers of cuddle duds and flannel.  I have had wonderful friendships in my life, that still exist, though almost all are now at a long distance.  It’s time for some more day to day friends.  My life is here in New England now where the winters are cold and often long.  What I know of friendship is that it is necessary and most definitely warms your heart.

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up.  Yup.  Pretty much every day.  xo