My Name Is Mommy

I am continually discovering on this journey of motherhood. Even at my “advanced maternal age” I learn something new about myself everyday. I constantly have those moments when I go,” Aha! That is why Moms do that!” Things I used to roll my eyes at now make sense. This constant learning curve certainly keeps this mother humble.

One of the things that used to make me cringe, was a husband and wife calling each other Mommy and Daddy. I have always thought that was really ridiculous. It reminded me of baby talk in a way, and I just couldn’t stomach it. Well this is the perfect case of having to go through it to understand it.

Last week little O walked up to me and said, clear as day, “Hey Mare!” I thought to myself “huh?” He said it again (in case I missed it) and turned and walked away in search of a truck. My 22 month old son was calling me by my nickname. Like a little version of my husband. “Hey Mare!”

Now I shouldn’t be shocked. Of course he hears my husband call me Mare. But then it dawned on me. THAT is why parents call each other Mommy and Daddy!! Hello, Mommy!? Duh! It’s not because there is some weird baby talk fetish at work….it’s because a toddler will repeat EVERYTHING he hears, including inappropriate expletives and, of course, our first names.

Let me tell you, try as hard as you may to mind your P’s & Q’s, a toddler will undoubtedly pick up the words you absolutely don’t want him to hear. It will be the ONE time you slip because shards of fiber glass are shooting into your fingers while you are carelessly throwing something away and your toddler sits watching in his wagon. Doesn’t everyone say “Fudge You!” to inanimate objects? Except I didn’t say Fudge, did I? Nope. If only. Hang out with us enough, and the actual phrase can be heard coming from my son. He really captured my inflection perfectly, I might add. We decided at first not to acknowledge it and now we pretend he is saying “vacuum” (stress on the second syllable). I kid you not.

The point is, my name is now Mommy. My husband is Daddy. My Mother-in-law is Grammy and so it goes. Every day the ridiculousness of parenting becomes more and more my norm. Spelling things out absolutely happens in our house…you can’t say the word s-n-a-c-k until it’s actually happening. No one needs that kind of melt down. I tell you, I get it now. It’s all out of necessity. And we are not alone in it. People with kids around O’s age or a bit older are all in the same boat. The same leaky boat. We are patching up the holes with chewing gum, scotch tape, or whatever we can find to make due, to survive the day. The scary part is that we are only just entering the toddler trenches. The combat has only begun. This M-O-M needs a N-A-P. Signing out. Over and out.

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight and remember that behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up. Thanks for reading! Xo

Depression: The Family Thief

Once again, I have crunched my way into avoidance. Anything to delay the writing. It’s funny, because tactics to avoid writing only come into play when the topic is of a difficult nature. This is not some “Aha!” moment for me. It’s pretty textbook, really. We tend to avoid the uncomfortable difficult conversations. My bowl of popcorn, dried peas and blue corn chips are pure proof of my discomfort. By the way, my snacks are organic so that means they are good for me, right? Yeah, didn’t think so…they are just less bad. Well, that’s something.

I’ve been harboring this topic for a while. I’m not even sure how I want to explore it. It is intensely personal. Painstakingly difficult and heartbreakingly close to me. I’m talking about depression. Now I’ve shared quite a lot about my bout with postpartum blues after I had O. What I’m talking about now is the depression I have lived with for as long as I can remember. I’m not talking about myself. I’m talking about my mother. It certainly has affected me my whole life…but now, as a mother myself, it brings up a whole other set of feelings.

Depression has robbed my mother of so much in her lifetime. And that is sad enough. But it has stolen as much from those of us who love her, as well. And now it continues to steal from the relationship she could have with my son. If you have never seen someone through the darkness of depression you might not understand. She loves him, undeniably. And he is over the moon for his Oma. But her sickness keeps her from spending any real time with him. It keeps her hidden away in the darkness of her slumber instead of enjoying her grandson. It has taken all possibilities of joy from her, even when they are right in front of her. It would be easy to blame the person. But I know enough after all this time, it is the illness. And when medications cease to work, it is a deep dark place she goes to. To say my heart is heavy is an understatement.

I want O to know my mother. The mother that I know. The glimpses of the real her are few and far between these days. And the truth of the matter is, she is now elderly. Depression seems to wreak havoc on an older person’s body at an exponential pace. The less one does when they are older, the less they actually can do. Bones soften and muscles atrophy through lack of use. It’s tough to make a comeback at 79. Especially when there is no end to the darkness in sight. It is brutal. The reality is that O will have the memories he has, because he doesn’t know her any other way than the way she is now. But for the rest of us, it is hard. Especially for my father.

I am writing about this not just to express my personal upset, but to raise some awareness about depression and how it affects not just the afflicted, but the entire family. There are two types of depression that I am aware of. Circumstantial and chemical. The latter, as in my mother’s case, is the trickier to remedy. A person might find a medicine that works beautifully, but after time, it begins to lose its effect and depression can set back in. The dosage is usually increased and enhancers are added, which can make for some scary side effects. Or a new drug might be prescribed and the whole acclamation period starts again, sometimes only to find out the drug isn’t a good fit. Back to square one. I can see how a patient could be despondent about their recovery.

What I know is that depression can be genetic. It can run a cycle that affects generation after generation. My maternal grandmother, though I never knew her, was agoraphobic. Anxiety runs in my family. Anxiety untreated snowballs into depression. With all that I have learned about depression, I’ll be damned if I’m going to follow that path. The madness must stop with me. Parents pass on their anxiety to their children everyday. It is unconscious and usually the fallout doesn’t rear its ugly head until the child is in their teens. But it doesn’t have to be. Seek help early. As minor as your anxiety or depression might be. Seek help. If not for yourself, then for your family. If you suffer from circumstantial depression (divorce, job loss, death of a loved one)…seek help. Your family needs you. You have a spouse, a son or daughter, a grandchild who needs YOU.

I always say that things happen the way they are supposed to. I’ve always been a believer of “If it is meant to be, then it will be.” My life is a testament to that adage. I was certainly lucky enough to have my child at the age of 44. But what I never thought of was how old my parents would be when I had him. (That’s a whole other post.). So let me finish up by saying I miss my mother. There are days when I need her more than she could ever fathom. There are days when I need her guidance and parenting wisdom. There are days when I just need to hear her tell me she loves me. To know that she is here, yet not really here, is just cruel and breaks my heart. Everyday.

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight, and remember, behind every great kid is a mother who is pretty sure she is screwing it up. Thank you so much for reading. Xoxo

Parenting and Privacy

It dawned on me this morning, as I was sitting on the commode, that I will most likely not have any privacy for the next 4-5 years. Maybe more? Oye. It was not hard to come to this conclusion. As I was trying to expedite my morning “ritual,” my son pushes his way into the downstairs powder room, book in hand. “Hi!” He likes to announce himself as he enters pretty much any room. He is uber curious about anything having to do with the potty, so he is instantly intrigued. I’m like, “buddy, mommy needs some privacy.” Of course, this request has no affect on little O. He is at this point climbing over me to get to the toilet paper. I somehow direct him out and keep the door ajar enough to keep an eye on him.

No sooner than I sigh, he is back. This time pushing his Thomas the Tank riding toy into the tiny room like a bulldozer. There is barely enough room for the two of us and the heavy door that swings into the room, let alone a push toy singing songs of Thomas and his friends. I drop my head into my hands. This is my life. My glamorous life. Pooping in front of my child and Thomas the Tank. All Aboard!

I share this moment of Too Much Information, because I need to know….it happens to all of us who are home with our children, right? We ALL don’t have privacy, correct? I’m sure there are moms and dads who have the means to have an au pair or a nanny to assist….but for the most part, the breech of privacy is universal. Right? Cause if it isn’t, what am I doing wrong? I can’t seem to justify locking myself into the bathroom for vanity’s sake. Do you know what kind of havoc could occur in the five or ten minutes I might not have my eye on our little explorer? It is not a viable option. I am left to think my only recourse is to grin and bear it.

I can only imagine how our lack of privacy will expand as O gets older. But the truth of the matter is – I’ll take it. If it’s part of the deal of getting to raise this little guy, then, by all means, pooping with Thomas and friends is a small price to pay. It just strikes me that we stay-at-home parents really have some odd things that just become our normal. You just don’t think about it until you are in the moment. I guess our sense of humor and our incredible love for our child gets us through everything.

Here’s to parenting and a lack of privacy! Cheers! Until next time, keep fighting the good fight and remember behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up! Thanks for reading! Xo

Yogi Mommy

With a dance background, the physical aspects of yoga have come quite easily to me. Although I am not quite as flexible as I was before the birth of O, I maintain a level of flexibility that is well above average. I stretch every day, knowing that one day, if I don’t use it, I’ll lose it. Which leads me to the reason I began taking yoga class. It’s funny, I started going to yoga because I wanted to feel more in shape. But it has done more for my mindset and psyche than anything else. And strangely, it helps me to be a better Mom. That hour of time that is “just for me” pays off ten fold in every other area of my life.

More than anything else I do for myself in any given week (which, let’s face it, isn’t a lot these days) this one special hour is personal and parenting gold. It fuels me with positivity and calm. It lets me, unapologetically, breathe for myself. For a whole hour. Before I had O, I would not have understood the importance of that. I guess I took the idea of “breathing for myself” for granted. Before O, extreme self care was instinctual. But becoming a mother has changed all my instincts. My first thought these days is to take care of O. What can I provide for him? Are his needs being met? But what I have learned, 21 months into this parenting journey, is that caring for myself is equally important. Now, I understand the concept of “breathing for myself,” not just in the context of being a mother, or a woman, but of being human. It is not a luxury. It is a necessity.

Oh it sounds so La Dee Da, Organic Crunchy Granola. So be it. I don’t care. It works. I don’t need all the massages, manicures and pedicures I once indulged in. I don’t need the vapid shopping sprees or endless “me” time. I need an hour. An hour of mindful meditative physical commitment.

It’s simple once I get there. It’s just that sometimes the “getting there” isn’t so easy. Working it around my husband’s work day, getting dinner started, feeding the baby, etc. It can be a bit of an obstacle course just getting out of the house. But they are hoops I’m happy to jump through to get to my slice of positive pie. In truth, it isn’t that tough, we just don’t have it down yet. It disturbs our regular routine, so it seems like a whirlwind when I leave, but it will soon become part of our rhythm.

As I see and feel the benefits of this magic hour, I now realize I don’t just want it. I need it. I swear, it gives me a sense of peace and strength to get through the week. It gets me right in the head. It aligns my body. It wakes up parts of my body (and soul) that I have been neglecting. I have more patience. I am more creative. I have more to give both my son AND my husband. I am a better mom, a better wife and, dare I say, a better person. All because of yoga! It makes me laugh, because it sounds so silly, but anyone who practices yoga knows the serious life benefits it possesses.

To be honest, I’m sure it doesn’t have to be Yoga. You could meditate. You could hike. You could cycle. Whatever floats your boat. For me, yoga is a perfect fit. I would never turn down a solo nature hike, but I just can’t make that work on a weekly basis with our schedules. So yoga it is. And I could not be happier. I guess if there was one thing I would want to share with a new mother it would be the idea that self care is not selfish. It seems obvious. But to a new mother, it isn’t. It just isn’t.

I’ll leave you with something my yoga teacher says at the end of class. I wish you peace in your thoughts, peace in your words, and peace in your heart. Until next time, be good to yourself, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is messing it up. Thanks for reading. Namaste! Xo

Touching Hearts

“The passion of touch warms the heart.”

My yoga teacher said that last night in class and it stuck with me. It made me think about how we, as humans, need to be touched. It isn’t learned. It is instinctual. And it isn’t a sexual thing. Sometimes we just need to be hugged, rubbed, or caressed. Simple as that.

I see it with my little O. He can be playing, happy as a clam, and he will walk over to me, come in for a hug and then go about his business. It’s like a vitamin for him. I believe that I can’t hug and kiss him enough. Especially at this age, when he still wants me to. He needs it. It’s clear. It makes him happy and secure.

I don’t know if that need evaporates when we get older, but the context of touch certainly changes. It becomes something we are super aware of. If we mistakenly touch a stranger, we are embarrassed and apologetic. We are taught that touch is something we only do with people we are close to…and then it changes to something romantic and becomes gender related. Women can hug other women, or a man. Men generally only hug women they are romantic with (or related to) and tend to shake the hand of another male. Shaking the hand of someone, while technically touching, doesn’t quite have the warming effect a hug provides. Do men really need less “contact” or is that just what society tells them? Whatever the case is, physical contact, human to human is pretty limited these days. It’s strange and sad, really.

When was the last time you hugged someone? I mean really hugged? Not a polite hug. That, to me, is a glorified handshake. It’s like the “air kiss.” Pointless. Well, not pointless, but you know what I mean. I’m talking about a true full body, 4-8 second hug? My Aunt Ellie always gave me great hugs. She would say, “touching hearts” while we were in a full embrace. She’s been gone almost five years now and I can still feel the warmth of her touch. Granted, we were very close. But I would venture to say she made many other people feel just as special as she always made me feel. I’d like to be more like my Aunt Ellie.

I’d like to teach our little O the value of the human touch. I want him to know the power of a hug and the profound meaning a simple hand on one’s shoulder can have when someone needs support. I’d like him to seek contact with people, rather than communicate via virtual means. And yet again, the only thing I can do is be an example. He will choose his own way doing what he is comfortable with. I guess, as parents, our job is show him the possibilities. Our house is a home of affection. We not only shower O with hugs and kisses, but we are always showing each other affection. Touch is good. Touch is important. It lets us know we are loved and alive. That our life matters to someone else. It makes us feel safe and secure. What was that Diana Ross song? “Reach out and touch….somebody’s hand…make this world a better place…if you can.” Totally throwback time and totally corny…but so true! In yoga class it was more hip…..but the sentiment remains.

So until next time, go on a mission to touch someone (and yourself, if the spirit moves you but THAT’S a whole other post) and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up. Namaste! Xo

Top 10 Occupational Hazards of a SAHM

I have been realizing more and more, there are several alarmingly real, and often truly gross, occupational hazards of being a Stay At Home Mom. I am sure as my boy gets older, the list will evolve and grow, as he does. But the list for the parent of a toddler is pretty robust, to say the least. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, this is the toughest job in the world….and not for the faint of heart. I’m sure everyone’s list has variations…but here’s my top 10.

# 1. You will get sick. Be it the cold your LO got from this week’s play date or the stomach bug that flew through the entire story time group….you will come down with whatever your LO gets. It’s just the way it goes.

# 2. You will wear your toddler’s food on occasion. Whether it splatters by mistake or your LO decides it would look better on your shirt than on his spoon…you will wear it.

# 3. You will become disconnected from your friends without children. It doesn’t mean it’s forever. But it just happens. When you find yourself with a free moment, you’ll realize that you couldn’t possibly call them right now, as it’s only 5 am where they live.

# 4. You will be tired. You will fall in love with bed. Sleep becomes the highest priority after taking care of your LO. You will dream of sleep while you are sleeping.

# 5. You will get thrown up on. It’s not pretty. Nor does it smell nice.

# 6. You will get poop on some part of you or your apparel. Whether it be a leaky diaper, or a diaper change gone wrong, it will happen. If you are lucky enough to have a boy….you will, at least once, get pee in your face. Again, not pretty nor fresh smelling.

# 7. Your nice things will not remain nice. Your brand new carpet will get soiled and your $4000 couch will become a Kleenex for your toddler’s runny nose. It’s just stuff. Get a good protection plan.

# 8. Everything you say will be repeated. Everything. Choose your words carefully. Oh, shit!

# 9. You will feel like you are failing. Often. Rest assured, if you care that you are, then you most likely are not.

#10. You will not be prepared for the amount of love you possess for your child. Nor will you imagine how it keeps growing exponentially. It often takes your breath away. Get an inhaler.

Until next time, keep smiling, keep fighting the good fight, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up. Thanks for reading! Xo

Worried Mommy

I have to be honest with you. I worry about my child. There is this little nagging voice in my head that rears itself every once in a while…and it happened again today. I was at story time today at the library. It wasn’t going too well for O. He didn’t want to sit and listen. The craft was WAY beyond him (He’d rather eat the glue stick) and he was yawning before we even got there. I should have known it wasn’t going to go smoothly. Sure enough, it proved to be a difficult outing. I know there are days like this. But some days his lack of engagement and conformity fill me with worry.

I wonder how much is his personality. Everything since his birth, has been on his time and his terms. Heck, he didn’t come out on his own. We had to go in there and get him! Every milestone so far has been accomplished when HE was good and ready. OR… is there perhaps some sort of problem or delay? At this age (20 months) it can be very confusing. I only notice things when he is around other children. Because normally, I have nothing to compare him to. And I know, I know, we aren’t supposed to compare our children. But it just happens. You see other kids who are around the same age and you are wondering why do they sit still and listen to the story? Why do they follow directions? Why won’t my child? There are days when he does….but they are few. I always feel like socializing is one step forward and two steps back, with my O. He is also VERY attached to Mommy. Which makes socialization that much harder. He will engage with me happily, but he has very little interest in new people….even other children. Maybe I’m doing it all wrong?

I am trying to assess where my worry regarding O is coming from. Is it the winter doldrums? Is it us being cooped up in the house these past weeks due to sickness? Is there any merit to my worry? Does every mom worry? Do moms of advanced maternal age worry more? And am I worried more because he is my only child? Already pangs of guilt are entering my mind because he doesn’t have a sibling. Not for lack of trying to give him one. But, thus far, it doesn’t seem to be in the cards. I can see the links on this worry chain will continue to accumulate if I don’t get it in check.

I was telling my husband the other night, that being at home with O is by far, the hardest job I have ever had….and the most important. I just don’t want to screw it up. And yet, everyday, I feel that somehow I am letting this child down. You know my tagline. “Behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up.” It’s soooo true. And some weeks, it’s truer than others. And it’s so hard not to be hard on myself. I feel like it’s all on me sometimes. What if I miss something? What if he is having a delay and I don’t get him the help he needs? It’s my fault. Maybe I baby him too much? Well, I know that’s true.

You know, I really feel that I owe O everything. In some Miracle of Life creation, this glorious soul picked us to be his parents! The joy and meaning he brings to both my husband and I is beyond anything, I think, either of us could have ever imagined. It’s powerful and its profound. It is heaven made. But.. we also have to live day to day on the earth, with our feet on the ground, taking each step, one foot in front of the other. I think I just solved my own problem. It is so so easy to let the magnitude of this job, that has been entrusted to us, take over. It is, at times, overwhelming. But our child is who he is. It is already determined. Will it all reveal itself in time? Yes. Will we deal with each hurdle and each triumph, as they come…one day at a time? Of course, because that’s what we as parents do. The worry is futile. It is wasted energy.

I thank you from the bottom of my humble and sometimes worrisome heart. Confiding in you has let me find my way off the latest parental ledge. It’s not easy stuff. Sometimes having someone to bounce things off of, be it a real person or a cyber friend, makes all the difference. Knowing we aren’t alone is everything.

Until next time, thanks for reading, and remember (it’s the TRUTH) behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up. Xo

Out Sick

I’m writing this week’s post from my bed. I’m SICK. All Caps! My amazing husband is holding the fort down with our little O, who is also sick. Occupational hazard of a SAHM..we tend to get sick when our little ones are. This virus has knocked me down for the count, though. Yes, I went to the Dr….or should I say “Urgent Care,” where I was seen by a P.A. Who told me essentially, I wasn’t sick enough yet to prescribe anything for me. That I should ride it out and see if my body could fight it on its own. That’s fair enough, but with my history of upper respitory infections, I don’t share that hope. So, I didn’t actually go to my Dr. per say. Silly me wasted my time seeing a physician’s assistant with a point to make, who didn’t believe I know my body well enough to know when I’m faced with more than a chest cold. Two days later I find myself wheezing, coughing up my lungs and praying this bout doesn’t turn into pneumonia. I’m prone to pneumonia. I told her that. Good times.

Several nights ago O had such a high fever we wound up at the emergency room. It was scary high. After calling the Ped on call (because it was a weekend AND a holiday) we were directed to go straight to the ER. So, of course, a P.A. sees him. O has a bit of “white coat syndrome,” after remembering the shots he got on a recent visit. He freaks out whenever he starts getting prodded and poked. Which at this hospital seemed to happen repeatedly. First by triage, then by the first P.A. By the time the second P.A. checked his ears he had been crying for over 30 minutes. She thought the ears looked a little red, so she said he would be treated for an ear infection. But he had no other signs of an ear infection beyond the fever. No tugging on his ear, no sensitivity when I touched them….I wasn’t convinced. I asked her if his ears could be red because he had been so upset. Well, yes, she said. But they prescribed a 10 day antibiotic for him, regardless. 10 days of antibiotics seemed a bit heavy for a baby who may not have actually had an ear infection. So, if we gave him the antibiotic and he didn’t have an ear infection, he would be ingesting medicine he really didn’t need, lessening the effectiveness of it when he really DID need it. Follow my logic? Considering the cough he has now, it was not an ear infection, but a chest cold….that he seems to be fighting better than mommy. I am confidemt he’ll recover because he finally saw his pediatrician, who we know and love. It made me wonder what the point of going to the ER was? It mostly just upset the baby…and they were basically grasping at straws to decipher what was ailing O. I suppose it made Mommy and Daddy feel like we were being proactive? It alleviated the feeling of helplessness that takes you over when you are a parent and your child is burning up with fever.

I know, I know, antibiotics are the essential devil. We over use them. And that overuse is causing certain virus’ to become unpenetratable. But sometimes you just know when you need them. And sometimes they don’t make sense. What ever happened to the patient being equally responsible for their diagnosis? I guess this doctor patient trust thing is a two way street. I think I’m done with ER’s and Urgent Care places for awhile. I’m on a rant, cause I’m mad that I am sick. I’m upset that Oliver is sick. I’m annoyed at the lack of quality urgent healthcare there is in our area even with great health insurance. It’s defeating. And depressing.

I feel like the healthcare situation is only going to get worse before it gets better in this country. Too many people have made too much money gouging the American people with their high premiums and out of sight drug expenses. Those people aren’t going to let the healthcare cash cow go too easily. Doctors are complaining about all the new paperwork getting in the way of patient care. (Not sure why you can’t do both?). But the big question is, what does that mean for all of us? Damned if I know. I’m just an achy delirious Mom today who just needs to feel better. Pronto.

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight, use your Purell, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up. Xo

Here It Comes

Well, there is snow on the skylight. I’m under a faux fur blanket and my luxurious long underwear are certainly getting some “wear time.” I’ve been avoiding writing this post, like I do many…but this one in particular seems to be my hardest thus far. You see, I’d like to lie to you. I’d like to fill the screen with fibs and fantasy. But that wasn’t our agreement. No. I promised to honestly examine what it is like to be a new mother of advanced maternal age. So here it goes….or should I say, here it comes?

No one really wants to talk about it. Certainly not me. How I have escaped it up til now, I don’t know. Some women deal with it much earlier, so I’m thankful at least for that. Oh, God, Mary, just say it! Ok! Ok! Perimenopause. There I’ve said it. In simpler terms it means the beginning of “the change.” Right now all it means to me is night sweats at certain times of the month. Icky, cruddy, soaking pajama top night sweats. Night sweats suck. Just getting that out there. But for some it can include many more symptoms like daily hot flashes, loss of sex drive, pain during intercourse…among other fun things. Ugh. Good times, eh?

I am actually having a difficult time accepting this upcoming change in my body. I don’t like it. My doctor says I can still get pregnant, so that isn’t what is bothering me. It’s just the fact that finally my body is telling me that I am getting older. I always felt like I could defy it, at least within reason. But this onset can’t be avoided with clean eating, more crunches at the gym, or more miles logged on the treadmill. It can’t be hidden by creams, serums, or Botox. It’s the real deal. It’s the beginning of a bridge taking you to the next phase of your life. As much as I talk about wanting to age gracefully, I feel like I’m on the one side of that bridge….resisting going forward….but the bridge is actually a moving walkway…it doesn’t stop because I wish it so. It is just like Time always proves to be…relentless. There is no spanner to throw in this wheel to stop it spinning. It is all how nature intended. I just thought Mother Nature and I had a special understanding. Ha.

Yesterday at story time at our local library I looked around at the other adults in the room. It was either young moms or youngish grandmothers. It occurred to me that I fall somewhere in between these groups of women. I made friends with some of the moms, and realized that, although we can relate through our children, I can’t actually relate to them on a personal level. Not really. And the same goes for the older women there. I find myself on my own plane. Running after my toddler waiting for a hot flash to zap me. It’s bizzaro world. Does that make any sense?

I know, I know. I’m ungrateful. I’m superficial. I’m whining about something that happens to every woman, eventually. How dare I be annoyed at Mother Nature when she has really been so good to me. I should be so thankful that I am healthy. That I rocked a bikini up until I had O at 44! That I have escaped so many things that can afflict us. And mostly, I should be grateful that the powers of life, let me conceive and give birth to a beautiful healthy son. And I am!! So very grateful. I’m just whining…and maybe feeling some of those mood swings that can also hit you during this time. Most of all, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Like my wise Mother-in law tells me, time and time again…this too shall pass.

Until next time, I’ll keep battling through my own personal Bikram Bedtime. Keep fighting the good fight, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up. Thanks for reading. Xo.

Baby It’s Cold Outside

Winter has arrived. At least in New England it has. My days of escaping the frigidity by spending winters in the Caribbean or Florida are over. At least for now. And I’m ok with that. My husband has armed me with sets of cuddlduds (fancy long underwear), fuzzy slippers, cute winter hats, and high strength moisturizing balms. I’m all set.

I packed the Christmas decorations away yesterday (yeah, I keep them up for a while. I’m like that). I am seeking out indoor activities for little O, as well as suiting him up in some super warm winter wear so we can be outside for as long as possible. We found an amazing gymnastics school that does an open gym session for an hour on Wednesday mornings. What a wonderful thing! If you are looking for something for your toddler to do to burn some of that crazy energy….check in your area. I bet there is something like it near you. Even a local YMCA may have a similar program.

My point is, I’m thinking that hibernating for the winter with a toddler may be a whole different animal than adult hibernation. Let’s face it, I was never very good at the adult version. My strategy was to run to a warmer climate. But now, I’m actually looking forward to the snow! Boy, how motherhood changes you! I truly can’t wait to see O’s excitement for the snow. I can’t wait to pull him up and down the driveway in a little sled and to watch him play in the white powder. I know, I’m romanticing the whole scenario. There will also be wet cold hands, crying, and 6 am snow clearing. I’m aware. Yet, I still look forward. It’s like giving birth has released a euphoric hormone into my brain….and despite the harsh cold realities of the winter freeze, I am still excited and, dare I say, giddy about winter. Anyone who knows me is wondering what the zombies did with me. I’m telling you, to coin a lyric from the musical Wicked, “I have been changed for good.”

I am sure I am like a broken record about Gratitude. It’s very “Oprah-esque,” I know. It has truly become habit for me. There was a time when I had to work hard at being grateful. It was a challenge to wrap my head around finding the positives. Yet, in hind sight, they were all around me. It’s not just since the birth of O that there is wonder surrounding me. My life has been blessed from the start. I just didn’t always see it. Part of it is my maturing emotionally. Part of it is my whole heartedly believing in the practice of gratitude. The rest is part of my brain coming to life. That’s actually a real thing in regards to motherhood. Check it out.

The more positive I become, the less room I have for negatives. My mind literally switches them off. It’s not automatic yet for me. I have to make the choice to stop listening. I want to live in Happiness. I want more Joy. I want Calm and Peace wrapping around me like a cozy blanket. I’m sure I seem very Polyanna to a naysayer. So be it. I didn’t understand the super power of gratitude, either. What’s the saying? The secret to having it all…. is believing that you do. Perspective is everything!

So let the Winter have its due. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Let the weather be frightful. My heart is warm and bursting. Just at this moment I am snuggling up to a hot cup of apple cinnamon tea and polishing up my rose colored glasses. Winters up here can last through March!

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight, keep warm, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up! Thanks for reading! Xo

From Gucci To Gerber

Tales, Insights & Observations from an Advanced Maternal Age New Mother

Day to Day Survival