You would think after having two years experience (that’s 730 days) of watching my child grow and develop, I would have come to terms with him inevitably getting older. I have not. I have made strides in the right direction (acceptance), but my heart still aches a bit with each inch and milestone he conquers.
O’s second birthday is approaching, and if I let myself breathe that all in, it could seriously knock the wind out of me. My husband has been asking me what’s wrong with me lately. He can tell something is “off.” I keep saying it’s my stomach. I just don’t feel right. Well, when something is bothering me, that’s where the stress goes. Right to my gut. I’ve not been purposely lying to him. I actually didn’t realize the correlation until I started writing this post. But that’s what’s “got” me. My baby is growing up and there is no way to stop the clock.
That’s not to say that I want to actually stop the clock. Of course not. I want to see him grow and thrive and become the man he is meant to be. It’s just the pangs of loss that hit me occasionally. Sometimes gently and sometimes like a smack across the face. Like now, as this 2 year marker approaches. I understand how precious this whole process is. The act of raising, caring for, and unconditionally loving this being that was created with such love. It is awesome and truly the best thing I have ever done in my life. And it’s all flying by so quickly. I believe this is one of the big reasons why people have more children. The feeling is so wonderful, at times, euphoric. Of course you want to make it last. So you have another. And maybe another. Unless you can’t. Unless it maybe just isn’t in the cards.
Ah, and there it is. The crux of the matter. I didn’t really think about O’s birthday coinciding with the end of our “have another baby” project. But the months have passed and with each one came a reminder that I’m not going to have another child. I promised I wouldn’t be upset. I promised. But as I sit here wiping away my tears, I’m finding my promise is proving to be empty, however well intentioned. I won’t let myself spiral into a dark place over it, however. I have far far too much to be thankful for to let that happen. But I think my not allowing sadness over it was a mistake. That’s a ridiculous notion, really. Not allowing sadness? It’s just silly. As if my heart has a choice. Ha.
So I’ll go on, filling my my mind and days with work and projects. I’ll spin more plates than usual, no doubt. But I will be aware of my particular sadness and honor it. And I suppose, if I need to cry, well then, I’ll cry. At least I won’t be denying my feelings. If you read my blog, you know that I believe everything happens the way it is supposed to. And I don’t believe in regrets. I believe in lessons. But this advanced maternal age mommy wishes perhaps she didn’t wait quite so long to have a child. Maybe there would have been time for another? A tough lesson to swallow in hindsight. But then, perhaps another child was never in the cards. You can really think it to death. Who really has time for that?
So as my little O gets ready to turn two, we will celebrate his time so far on this earth and the immense joy he brings us….with a Sesame Street theme, no less. We are having a combined birthday with his second cousin, Nora, who was born two days after him. Lots of Elmo and Abby Caddaby! Alphabet cookies, crayons and Cookie Monster fudge! I’ll take lots of pics for a fun party blog. And I won’t forget for a moment all that I have.
Until next time, keep fighting the good fight, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up. Thanks for reading. Xo
