mommy blog

For Now

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Yesterday I opened up my Facebook feed and felt like I got punched in the gut.  Not once, not twice, but three times.  Within a span of four minutes, I was given three separate notices of horrible news.  Two separate instances of friends finding out they have cancer and the other instance was about another special soul taken from this earth far too soon.  Rarely do I get hit with three consecutive bits of bad news so quickly.  It was a jolt, to say the least.

I know bad things happen.  It seems often that they happen to the best people.  But why? And why one person and not another? Only a higher power knows these answers.  It makes me think about life.  And what it means to actually live.  It makes me think about attitude, perspective and the choice we have everyday to LIVE.   It makes me realize that life is for NOW.  That is really all there is….NOW.  Yesterday is done.  Tomorrow may never happen.  So NOW is everything.

If you are lucky enough to be blessed today, why not acknowledge it? Why not celebrate? Why not thank your lucky stars? …Today!  Tomorrow,  I could be the one announcing some horrible news.  I could be the one fighting cancer, God forbid.  But today…I am healthy.  I am loved.  I am safe.  I have joy in my life.  I am living.  Conversely, I know that if I am sad or in pain….it is just for now.  It isn’t a permanent state of being.

I was thinking that I hadn’t learned this lesson from my upbringing….as my wonderful Mother lives mostly in the past or in the land of “if only.”  (If only her kids lived closer.  If only her husband was different.  Etc.). But, maybe that is precisely WHY I believe so differently about life.  I see very closely what can happen when you don’t acknowledge what you have.  When you don’t say out loud what you are grateful for…everyday.  When you let the bad news of life dull your NOW.  Trust me, I am not minimizing depression.  I understand first hand the effects it has on the depressed and their loved  ones. I have great compassion for anyone afflicted with this dark disease.

I only hope,  I can instill in my little O, a sense of gratitude and thankfulness.  I believe you have to practice gratitude.  Every night my husband and I list five things we are grateful for.  It is a practice that has become habit and I love that.  We will do the same with O when he is old enough.  Hopefully he will carry that with him to help shape his perspective on life.

I am not saying happiness is as easy as counting your blessings.  But it is certainly a common practice of happy people.  So for now, I am going to count mine. I have so many.  My most precious one is toddling around, squealing with joy and clapping his hands. He is also in need of a diaper change.  Now.

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight.  And remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is certain she is messing it up.  Thanks for reading. Xo

Thoughts on the Bottle

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I’ve been thinking a bit about the bottle lately.  It seems like ever since O turned a year old, the pressure to get him off the bottle comes from all directions.  Every parenting article I read tells me it’s time to give it up. Every well meaning relative, every Tom, Dick and Harry (every Tom, Harry or Dick) thinks once a child turns one we should take the bottle out of his hands.  If I was nursing, would there be pressure to get my child off the boob at a year old? I’m interested to know.

Why is it that my baby went from infant to toddler in the span of a day? I mean, I know he’s not an infant anymore, but he hardly qualifies as a little boy yet.  He’s still a baby for goodness sake.  That bottle is a comfort for him before bedtime…and (here it goes) I still give him one early in he morning.  That one is more for me, because O will sleep another two hours if he has a bottle.  That’s time for me to shower, enjoy my coffee, and DO things.  It’s GOLD! And really, I have to change his diaper after he sleeps through the night anyway.  ( God knows, there is no room in it for his morning poop…it MUST be changed!)…so what’s the problem with a bottle and a cuddle?  Is there something wrong with that?

He drinks pretty well with his sippy cup during the day…but only water.  He won’t do “milk” in it at all.  So the only milk he gets is before bed and in the early morning.  So it’s not like I’m giving him too much.  And why is my tone so defensive? Why is it SO important to get my son off the bottle so quickly? Why does society want my baby to grow up so fast? It seems to me that O lets me know when he is ready for things.  I introduce things and in time he takes to them.  I don’t push foods on him, but just keep introducing and re-introducing them.  Sometimes the 7th time is the charm! I am digressing.

The point is, my boy has a lifetime to drink out of cups.  I really don’t believe it is detrimental to him to have a bottle for another year.  Maybe more. I don’t know.  What I do know, is that I am in NO rush to have him do anything un-baby like.  That time will be here before I know it.  I don’t mind keeping him little for as long as I can.  I’m sure someone out there thinks I am holding my child back or being a complete hover mommy.  But the fact is, at least in O’s case, he eventually hits every milestone with joy and gusto….when he’s good and ready.  I’ve learned now, not to stress over it.  He’s gonna do everything he’s “supposed” to in his own time.  Why push?

Well, friends, that’s my two cents for this week 🙂 Until next time, keep fighting the good fight, and remember…behind every great kid, is a mom who is sure she is messing it up.

 

Rainbows And Reality

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I did not set out to write a controversial blog.  In fact, if more people thought like me, it wouldn’t be. 🙂  I am still trying to figure out why everyone doesn’t share all my thoughts and opinions. Lol.  But, seriously, folks…..this week marked a historical time in our country’s evolution. Marriage equality for everyone!  The straights, the gays, the others…everyone, free to marry their one true love.  Pretty awesome, I think.  Most of my circle of friends are progressive people.  Lots of artists, educators and all around wonderful people.  A majority of my friends are gay.  Some of my nearest and dearest.  For the most part, the internet was a rainbow of colors celebrating this step forward for equality.  Because my circle of friends are mostly like thinkers, my Facebook feed was pretty positive stuff.   On the other hand, the thing about social media is that you don’t just get the stuff you want to see…you get a lot of the stuff you wished you hadn’t.  That is what happened this week.

A friend of mine, who I knew was a church going gal, posted some pretty negative stuff regarding same sex marriage.  I’m saddened by this, because I don’t know that I can be friends with her after reading her opinions.  Before social media let you post your opinions for the world to see, I didn’t know she had such disdainful feelings towards some of my dearest friends, dare I say family.  How can I remain friends with her when I know now how she feels about the people that I love?

She went as far as to say that God “detests” homosexuality.  Hmm.  That’s pretty strong.  Firstly, how does she know?  I mean a vast majority of us speak to God…but has he ever actually spoken to her saying,” I detest the Gays!”  I’m confused by this righteousness coming from a twice married woman.   For the life of me, I just don’t see why anyone wants to deny another person equality?  It seems so un-Christian.  It’s like being on a diet and being outraged that the person next to you is eating a hamburger.  It’s irrational. At least in my opinion.

What I know for sure is that I want my child to grow up in a world where no matter what his sexual orientation is, he will be treated fairly.  No matter what the color of his skin is, he will be treated without prejudice.   If he decides he feels more comfortable in women’s clothes or he wants to be called Olivia, I want society to treat him with dignity and respect.  I know, I know….life isn’t fair.  But the laws that govern our land should be.  At the very least.

I keep discovering things about myself as I continue on this journey of being a mother, especially at my advanced maternal age.  One, is that I am stronger than I ever knew I was.  Another is, I have no tolerance for people’s ridiculous hate.  Life is just too too short.  And I don’t have time to have my nose in anyone else’s garden if I want to tend to my own precious one.  Most importantly, my priority is my beautiful family.  If anyone threatened my son’s right to equality, I would no doubt get all Mama Bear on them.  It is with that same ferocity I feel I must sever this friendship. I don’t say this lightly. I mean her no malice and I wish her well in all that is to come for her and her family.  Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion.  But you don’t get to be my friend when your moral compass is so drastically opposing to what I believe in my heart to be right.  Perhaps it is a failing in my character that I can’t overlook such things.  I don’t know.  What is clear to me is that when there is intolerance and hate, everyone loses.

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight! And remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is sure she is messing it up. 🙂

 

Raising a Good Kind Decent Person

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I am sitting for a moment.  Resting.  Catching my breath.  I’ve been working all morning, packing, sorting, labeling boxes….all while trying to keep O’s routine afloat.  At least let me feed him on time.  And get him down for a nap…Yes! A nap! There is a sea of boxes in my kitchen.  Some packed and some waiting to be filled.  There are towers of suitcases in my living room.  Multiple rolls of tape and bubble wrap….somewhere.  We move in two days, but I just have to rest for a second.  Catch my breath and write a little because there has been something gnawing at me.  Through all the happy disarray that is our life right now, there is an underlying sadness sitting on my heart.  I’m sure you have heard about it.  I’m talking about the terrorist attack on a church and it’s members in South Carolina.   I can’t shake it.  I can’t just gloss over it and move on.  I believe there are so many of us who are feeling this way.  I’m not confused or baffled.  I can’t say, “How could this happen?”  I know exactly how it happened.

I’m upset and I’m mad.  I am ashamed of our laws.  I am ashamed of the racism that runs through our country’s veins, infecting generation after generation.  I’m ashamed that our biggest priority, as a country, has been to defend ourselves from terrorism, but just the foreign kind.  I’m mad at our elected officials who want to pretend this wasn’t an act of terrorism.  I’m ashamed of “Merica.”  I feel small and insignificant.  I feel, as I imagine so many of us do, helpless.

I then look over at my son and see a lifetime of possibilities.  I know that my husband and I have an important job to do.  We have to raise this child to become a good, kind and decent person.  In light of this crazy world we live in, it is clear to me, this is no easy task.  I can’t imagine anyone having the intention to raise their child to be a monster.  Of course not.  But what about the idea of parenting with intention? Children don’t just raise themselves…..or is that is what’s happening?  This world is filled with violence, hate, rage and unspeakable demons.  My child will be bombarded with these things time and time again as he grows.  It is our job to explain. To teach. To filter and interpret until he is old enough to do so himself.  If we neglect to guide him, then we will have failed him.  It is our intention to raise a good, kind and decent person.  We can never lose sight of that result.  It is the least we can do for him.  He has given our life profound unexpected meaning.  He has given us a love we didn’t really know existed until we were filled with it.  We owe him everything.

I don’t want to throw stones at any parent.  I don’t want to pass judgment, though it’s a tough one.  The pain the shooter’s parents must feel is unimaginable to me.  Frankly, it scares me to death.  I wouldn’t want to be in those shoes, God Forbid.  I always say, “never say never.” So I won’t say, “that would never be me!”   I will just pray extra hard that it won’t be.  I will try extra hard to have it not be.  And I’ll keep both my eyes on the boy I am raising to be that good, kind and decent person.

There is so much more I want to say.  So many thoughts swirling around my head regarding this quandary our country is in.  I am struggling.    I honestly can’t find the words.  At least the right words.  But one thing I know for sure is that we need to talk about this.  We need to figure this out.  And it isn’t going to happen if we try to forget about it or pretend it didn’t happen. I certainly don’t have the answers for everyone.  I can only do my little part (which is pretty big).  I need to love and raise our son.  I need to actively participate in his upbringing.  It will be the most important thing I can do to end this craziness that has become the norm.

To Kiss Or Not To Kiss

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This week I was floating around the Facebook Mommy groups I belong to looking for topics Moms are sharing and talking about.  There was a share of a June 9, 2015 article from everydayfamily.com.  It was entitled, At What Age Should You Stop Kissing Your Kids On The Lips?  Before I read it, I thought to myself, this is going to be one of those articles that grabs your attention by the ridiculous question title and then goes on to dispel the whole issue. Boy, was I wrong.

This “article” cites two “experts.” The associate clinical professor of psychology from UCLA says the time to stop is NOW, as a kiss on the lips could be confusing to a child. At the very most, stop at age 5! What? And the other, a Proactive Parenting Coach, says the time to stop kissing on the lips is when either party feels uncomfortable.  Again….huh? I’m so disturbed by this parenting advice.  What the hell is wrong with people.  Talk about psychology messing people up! Not to mention, how do people get published writing this kind of ridiculous stuff?  How can someone take a pure form of affection between a parent and child and make it into something dirty? I just don’t get it.

Now to be fair, the article on everydayfamily.com was more of a regurgitation of  quotes from the “experts,” with a pinch of the writers own vague opinion, which seemed to be either here nor there.  It concluded with a “What do you think?” ending.  So I looked into the online bio of the writer, a Mr. Jace Whatcott.  The bio didn’t say whether Mr. Whatcott had children himself, although there was a photo of (I am assuming) him holding a child.  But, I am inclined to think he actually may not have a child himself, as his writing didn’t have a  parental tone.  And his list of hobbies (crossword puzzles, reading, and naps!) made me think he has WAY to much time on his hands to be a parent.  At least, a parent who parents. BAM!  Yeah, I know, harsh.

Because I live under a very large Mommy rock, I didn’t know there was a huge to-do this past winter about the New England Patriots Coach, Bill Belichick, giving his 30 year old daughter a congratulatory kiss on the lips at the Super Bowl.  Why would anyone feel that was inappropriate?  Now, if there was tongue involved, I could see someone having issue.  But a closed mouth kiss on the lips?  I truly believe it says more about the critic than the kiss.  Is there such a heightened eye on sexual abuse that we can’t discern between a non sexual intuitive act of affection and abuse?

I believe affection is oh so important to the development of a child into a healthy adult.  And, of course, there is data to support that theory.  Research published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health found that babies with very affectionate moms grew up to be “more resilient, less anxious adults.” At about the age of 34, the same individuals showered with love and kisses as babies in the study showed the lowest levels of distress as adults.

But beyond all the data you can find to support either school of thought, what about common sense?  What about healthy instinctual affection between a parent and child, at any age?  If I see a grown man or woman kissing either their father or mother on the lips or cheek or forehead or hand….I think it shows a healthy relationship with intimacy and affection.  Kudos to the parent who taught their child to not be afraid of affection.

We are such an all or nothing society.  Instead of teaching a child the shades and nuances of affection and the meanings of affection in different relationships, we would rather avoid the conversation all together and just say NO KISSING ON THE LIPS AFTER 5 YEARS OLD.  Well, not this Mommy.  Or Daddy, for that matter.  My husband seems to have no problem showering our little O with kisses and hugs.  I can’t imagine him having a problem with it even when O gets older.  I see him kiss his mother on the lips and I think it’s lovely.  To think anything weird about it would be…well, weird.  I’m not worried about O being confused by our affection towards him.  What any child might find confusing is the inappropriate subtext people attach to such an instinctual natural act.  Children pick up on everything.  Even our latent fears.

 

Moving Mommy

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I am officially certifiable.  My husband and I are moving house, again.  Good Lord, give me strength.  It’s bad enough that we moved from Florida to New England when O was only 3 months old.  I truly don’t know how we did it.  I think I must have been on auto pilot.  Like some sort of new mommy zombie.  It’s the only way I could have gotten through it.  We kept our Florida house furnished, so we didn’t pack up every last morsel. It was tough enough packing up all our personal things with a newborn infant.  But this move will require us to move EVERYTHING…all with a 12 month old, who is crawling and cruising like a demon and getting into anything and everything that isn’t safety sealed shut.  Like I said, Good Lord, give me strength!

Of course, it will most likely NOT be an easy, care free transition.  You see, we haven’t found the house we want to move into yet.  (Nervous smile).  So we could very well be packing this home up into a storage facility until the right house comes along.  Eek.  Live out of a suitcase much? Good thing I have lots of experience with that from touring.  My biggest concern, however,  is not how I will handle it, but how O will adapt.  When he was 3 months old he was completely adaptable.  I knew he would have no recollection of it.  The several transitions he made were easy peesey.  But will it be that way this time? I mean, he won’t remember it, but will it affect him adversely?

If things don’t go swimmingly, as they most never do with real estate…then we may be moving in with my Mother-in-law until we secure and close on a new residence.  Thank goodness I adore her! I can only hope she will still love me after this possible cohabitation. To say we are grateful for her is a great understatement.  A huge positive will be O getting to spend more time with her.  You know how I feel about grandparents! I’m a big advocate for Grammy time.  See, I’m trying to focus on the positive side if things.

I’m certainly not dreading any part of this journey.   I guess it’s just that I just want to be settled.  Once and for all.  I went from leaving my “in and out of town” career to be settled for what turned out to be  a hot second…to move up to New England to stay with my MIL until our house was available, to be in our house for another hot second, to now be packing it up for some unknown abode.  I feel like I’ve  been on the move since forever.  It’s just time to slow down and get settled. Time to nest.   My soul feels it.  Hell, my bones feel it.  I not only want to plant roots in the home that O will grow up in…I want to plant a garden and be around to watch it grow.  I want to plant perennials and see them pop up next spring and the next 10 springs to come.  It’s something THAT simple.  I’m ready for simple.

It’s not like this move is news to me. It’s all part of our plan.  We actually want to move.  But the reality of it is just starting to set in for this Mommy, and it’s a tad daunting.  So if any of you Moms have any advice to make the whole undertaking easier…fire away! I am in need of some serious input.  I figure I’ll need a secure place for O to play.  So far, O doesn’t seem to mind being in his pack and play.  He actually seems to like it.  If I put a few toys/activities in there, he is usually quite content to amuse himself while I get dinner ready or go to use the bathroom.  But packing up a house? Eek! That’s a little more time consuming. And a pack and play isn’t a very big space for him to move around in.   I guess I will  rely on his nap times? And after his bedtime? Woof! This is gonna be one crabby tired Mama.  I guess it will all just happen, as everything does.  One day at a time.  One box at a time.  One foot in front of the other….all while keeping a routine that O can count on.  Did I say “Give me strength?”  Oh, that was the third time? Well, third time’s a charm.  Wish me luck, Ladies.

Until next time, keep on keepin on.  And remember, behind every great kid, is a mom who is sure she is messing it up! 🙂 Like me! Like 20-30 times a day! 🙂