Well, there is snow on the skylight.  I’m under a faux fur blanket and my luxurious long underwear are certainly getting some “wear time.”  I’ve been avoiding writing this post, like I do many…but this one in particular seems to be my hardest thus far.  You see, I’d like to lie to you.  I’d like to fill the screen with fibs and fantasy. But that wasn’t our agreement.  No.  I promised to honestly examine what it is like to be a new mother of advanced maternal age.  So here it goes….or should I say, here it comes?

No one really wants to talk about it.  Certainly not me.  How I have escaped it up til now, I don’t know. Some women deal with it much earlier, so I’m thankful at least for that.  Oh, God, Mary, just say it!  Ok! Ok! Perimenopause.  There I’ve said it.  In simpler terms it means the beginning of “the change.” Right now all it means to me is night sweats at certain times of the month.  Icky, cruddy, soaking pajama top night sweats.  Night sweats suck.  Just getting that out there.  But for some it can include many more symptoms like daily hot flashes, loss of sex drive, pain during intercourse…among other fun things.  Ugh.  Good times, eh?

I am actually having a difficult time accepting this upcoming change in my body.  I don’t like it.  My doctor says I can still get pregnant, so that isn’t what is bothering me.  It’s just the fact that finally my body is telling me that I am getting older.  I always felt like I could defy it, at least within reason.  But this onset can’t be avoided with clean eating, more crunches at the gym, or more miles logged on the treadmill.  It can’t be hidden by creams, serums, or Botox.  It’s the real deal.  It’s the beginning of a bridge taking you to the next phase of your life.  As much as I talk about wanting to age gracefully, I feel like I’m on the one side of that bridge….resisting going forward….but the bridge is actually a moving walkway…it doesn’t stop because I wish it so.  It is just like Time always proves to be…relentless.  There is no spanner to throw in this wheel to stop it spinning.  It is all how nature intended.  I just thought Mother Nature and I had a special understanding. Ha.

Yesterday at story time at our local library I looked around at the other adults in the room.  It was either young moms or youngish grandmothers.  It occurred to me that I fall somewhere in between these groups of women.  I made  friends with some of the moms, and realized that, although we can relate through our children, I can’t actually relate to them on a personal level.  Not really.   And the same goes for the older women there.  I find myself on my own plane.  Running after my toddler waiting for a hot flash to zap me.  It’s bizzaro world.  Does that make any sense?

I know, I know. I’m ungrateful. I’m superficial. I’m whining about something that happens to every woman, eventually. How dare I be annoyed at Mother Nature when she has really been so good to me. I should be so thankful that I am healthy. That I rocked a bikini up until I had O at 44! That I have escaped so many things that can afflict us. And mostly, I should be grateful that the powers of life, let me conceive and give birth to a beautiful healthy son. And I am!! So very grateful. I’m just whining…and maybe feeling some of those mood swings that can also hit you during this time.  Most of all, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Like my wise Mother-in law tells me, time and time again…this too shall pass.

Until next time, I’ll keep battling through my own personal Bikram Bedtime.  Keep fighting the good fight, and remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up.  Thanks for reading.  Xo.