I feel ridiculous.  It’s silly to even write about.  But it’s been the big change that’s been haunting me all week.  O has graduated from his infant car seat to his big boy car seat.  The car seat  that will stay with him until he doesn’t need one anymore. (Boy,  THAT day isn’t gonna be pretty for this Mama.)  I feel idiotic for telling you, but I cried the day we switched his car seat.  I literally shed tears.  What the Hell?

Why can’t I be like the Moms who celebrate these milestones with a saucy “thank God!” and move on.  It just seems like it’s all going by in a flash.  Like he is growing with reckless abandon.  And there is nothing I can do to stop it.  So I’m emotional.  That’s not a stretch for me, as  anyone who knows me can attest. But I’m more so now.  How will I navigate all the changes and milestones to come?

I recognize that I am not only sad about this recent event, but I am fighting it every step of the way.  I found myself saying today, “It’s just so hard now.  I hate going out!”  Let me tell you since O was about three weeks old, I have taken him out, one place or another, almost every single day.  It’s rare that we don’t have some adventure to go on each day.  But I have been spoiled. I had a Graco Click and Connect Travel System.  I’d get him set in his car seat in the house..carry it out to the car, click him in and we were off.  When we got to wherever we were going, I’d take the car seat out and click it into the super easy stroller frame.  I had it down to a science.  And O liked it.  We had our rhythm.  Now, I have to carry him out to the car….get him into his seat whilst bent over into the car (not easy)…and when I arrive wherever the hell it is I thought it was a good idea to go to, I have two choices.  I either get the very light, but yet ridiculously cumbersome, umbrella stroller (which is a ludicrous name, because when it rains, it will NOT keep baby,  or you, dry.  In fact, quite the opposite).  Or I get my jogger stroller…which weighs 30 lbs.  So I hoist one of these contraptions out of the car and then hoist my 27lb baby boy out of the car seat, in a hunched over manner, so as not to hit my head or the baby’s head on the car.  I try to remember not to lift with my back.  I try to remember to use my abdominal muscles…yeah, right.  All while O is not, I repeat, NOT loving this new routine.  Then I have to strap him into the stroller, hang the diaper bag on the handles…..and get inside wherever it is I was dumb enough to venture off to in the first place.  If there are multiple stops, I’d like to shoot myself.  If there is rain involved I think I will just stay home.

Everyone says it will get easier when he can get in and out himself.  Well, that’s a long time away, I think. I am blessed with a beautiful boy, but he is a big boy for his age.  He became too long for the infant seat over a month ago. I started to feel like some Good Samaritan Mommy was going to report me for having my son in a seat he was clearly outgrowing.  And because he is young…I miss seeing him when we are strolling along.  And I swear, he doesn’t like it.  He might wonder “Where is Mommy?”  as he faces forward in this strange new world.  Right?  Or is it just me, fighting it every step of the way?  I could have sworn today that he was feeling scared and alone as he faced forward, rolling along….but he actually had a very wet diaper.  A wet diaper that I was out of tune with, because I was so convinced he was unhappy to be facing forward.  Because this Mommy was unhappy her baby was facing forward.  Unhappy that her baby was gaining independence.  That he was, indeed, moving on.  I don’t like it.  I don’t like it one bit.

I’m going to brood about this some more, I fear.  They say that time goes by quicker as you get older.  Have you heard that? I think it’s true.  But I think when you are older you cherish the time more.  I know that when I was younger I took time for granted.  Not the case now.   I am SO aware that this time with O is flying by.  If one more well meaning, but yet unsoliciated, granny tells me, “It goes by so fast,” I’ll scream….”I KNOW!!! STOP REMINDING ME!!”  Like right in her face! And really loud! It also doesn’t help that this all coincides with that time of the month for me.  When it rains it pours! Just don’t use the umbrella stroller that day.

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight…and I’ll try to get a hold of myself.  Remember, behind every great kid is a mom who is certain she is screwing it up.  🙂